Grumpy day

Grrrr....I totally lost my temper with all 3 girls today.  This is how my anxiety and depression have been showing themselves lately, I am grumpy and short-tempered.

I do not like being like this.

I am frustrated because this was the way I was feeling about a year and a half ago (grumpy and short tempered).  I went to the Dr. and I started again on antidepressants and anxiety meds.  Over the last year I went back to the Dr. and we upped my meds a few times.  I was feeling SOOOOO good before Ellie died.  

I was happy and would catch myself singing and dancing.

I feel like this is a huge setback.  I mean of course it is, how could it not be?  But it feels like I just lost all of the progress that I made in the last year and a half.  

I don't feel sad or depressed today, I just feel turmoil and I have no patience.

I think I am going to have to go back to the Dr. to increase my meds.  Is that a good idea or a bad idea?  I don't know.  I know I need to feel grief and go through the stages of grief.  I am not trying to skip that.  But I need to be emotionally stable for myself and my kids and Jason so that I can process those emotions.  I'm not even sure if a Dr. would raise my meds or if they would say tough luck...your daughter died, you are supposed to be sad.

My Dr. is quitting family practice at the end of January, so now I have to find a new Dr. as well and I hate that.

I feel like I have been glomming onto Jason.  Usually I am very independent and I don't like to rely on other people.  But since Ellie died I feel like I have to have Jason there to support me.  I don't feel like I can function in life without him.  In a way I think this is good.  It makes him feel like a provider and makes him feel needed.  But in another way, I have got to be able to get through life on my own merits.  

Not totally my own strength of course, I still need the Savior.

Anyway, today is not a great day.

I know I don't have to be strong all of the time, it is OK to cry and have a bad day.  But I feel like I am not having any good days.