Today I am sad

Yesterday and today I have just felt depressed.  I am just sad.  I feel like I have no purpose.  I am bored.  I feel like no one needs me.  I feel like I have nothing to do.

These are all faulty thinking.  I do have things to do.  I do have people who need me.  But it is still the way I feel.

I feel like sleeping all day, but I know that is not good for me.  So I am trying to keep busy.  But I am super unmotivated to do anything.

Last night my stomach was really upset from being in turmoil all day.

Jason and I went on a date last night to MOD Pizza.  We got curbside pickup.  After I ate a little, I asked him to take me home because my stomach was bubbly/churning/upset.  When we got home I went straight to bed.

I have needed to take 2 benadryl for the last few nights to help me sleep.  I don't really have a problem falling asleep but I will wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep.  The benadryl helps me sleep longer through the night.

I just feel a hole in my life with Ellie gone.

I know these are normal feelings, but I don't like it.  Duh!!! Who would?!?!?!?  It makes me feel like my life is out of control.

I am going to try eating better and exercising.  I hope that will help.  If not, then I think I will need to go up on my depression and anxiety meds.

I have cried a few times today.  I am just struggling to have normal interactions with my family members and to do routine tasks of daily living.

I am snappy and grumpy to Jason and the kids.  Grrrr...I don't like being like this.

Today we watched Stake Conference virtually (due to Covid).  The general authority said that he struggled when his Dad died and he pried to have the pain taken away.  The answer he got was that God couldn't take the pain away, he needed to go through it. 

I think that is probably where I am at.  I know I have to go through the stages of grief and one of them is depression.

So, Heavenly Father...What do I need to learn?

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